I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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