you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
