Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
