i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
