i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
