That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
