Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
