dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
