my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
