if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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