My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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