The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
