Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
