so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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