...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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