All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
