Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im holly from the hills drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
