I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
