I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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