yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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