Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think I won the penis lottery.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
