I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
