Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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