I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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