just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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