my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
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Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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