I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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