You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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