My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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