What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
