My friends, they love my intelligence
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Every concussion has its silver lining
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
