how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
