the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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