on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
