Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
