I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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