my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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