True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
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Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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