Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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