I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
