I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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