Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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