i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
