I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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