She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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