I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
