A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
