My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
