So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
