My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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