i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
