they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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