Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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