eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
