Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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