The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
