how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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