respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
