You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
