They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think a kid would responsible me up
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
