Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
