Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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