He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
