do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
